Fables and Revelations

A cup of hot chocolate, a novel and time alone. A time to pen my thoughts and look out through the glass panels, as the night descends and the street begin to adorn itself with lights. It's been just 3 days but it seems so much more then I can take. The last 4 years of my life seem to hit back at me again and again through the intervals and time alone with each turn. Kill my memories. Tomorrow shall be a day of silence and solitude. Dancing to my favourite song silencing the war in me. It's never fair, and I never expect people to care, I have to get my life right. To remain the person that I want to stay. To never cry, to never get upset. With no expectations, I should expect no disappointments in life. Stuff each and every memory into stacks and stacks of envelopes, I push them into my cupboard and hope the viciousness would stay out of sight. Time for silence and solitude and chocolate. I have to see this through.

Keep me safe, Give me space, Drink the rain, Feel my pain, Make me whole, stay insane, Hold only my hand, Close your eyes, Seeking for a myth now, These people are just legends that remain.

I woke up this morning and looked out from my caged windows, I saw the slow drifting clouds, so serene and at peace. I saw the birds perched on the roof below and they hopped around so carefree and innocent. The sky, a pale shade of blue that I reach out to, and want to touch gently with my lips. The time to live is now. I want to live and cry, and laugh and smile, and curl up into a ball and die. My sense of gravity is lost and I am lifted higher and higher away from my sense of reality all in a matter of days. I need that feeling of being alive. It crept up so slowly that I had choose to ignore and push it at the back of my mind. Now a manifestation it engulfs me in darkness, I cannot see the beauty inside, just emptiness. The world echos around me. Green light, Seven Eleven You stop in for a pack of cigarettes You don't smoke, don't even want to I see you check your change Dressed up like a car crash The wheels are turning byt you're upside down You say when he hits you...

The tress have been cut down, the birds are gone and my heart, I long thought had been cast in stone. As I watch the door close on me, I turn back, I turned as Lot's wife had turned. I saw his face, as he looked lazily at me with those scarub eyes. I knew I should not have. That image ingrained into my mind like a fury piece of bronze on my freckled skin. It burnt and it continues too for days on end. The lines from Bono's lips swam pass me I walked away, away from it all. Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now? You got someone to blame.... Have you come here for forgiveness? Have you come to raise the dead? Have you come here to play Jesus? To the lepers in your head He had played Jesus and gave me forgiveness for that laspe in time, when the world stopped and he gave me life. He gave me nothing and yet he provided me with everything to make me whole. I have grown stronger but the memories of the past has come back to haunt me, the gho...

I woke up today and felt myself drifting into an urge to seek out companionship and solace in the heart of another but seriously, I really don't need another year of heartache and sorrows. Taking a shower I thought of all the clingy, psycho stalkers, dependent whiny men, it's enough to make my skin crawl and my stomache churn. There's only so much I can take. Honestly sometimes I think it's really pure bullshit, but my parents have time and time again proved me wrong though. The frustration. Maybe trust is a problematic factor. All that "I love you forever and ever" bullshit, and the sucidal letters is enough to scare me into oblivion. People take relationships too seriously perhaps, or perhaps I'm just not bothered with the finer details of such affairs. If you want to sleep around, fine, don't give me aids, if you want to go out with your billion friends I certainly am more then happy because then it gives me space and time to read, to have time for...

Been busy theses days with the Lunar New Year, bustling with visitations, catching up with relatives and close friends. A season of well wishes and much joy. To visit the elders and talk about memories past and of those who once walked among us. Listening to many of the life experiences and nostalgic talk of their youth, I wonder if they have ever found a sense of completion in their lives, or least how many of the elders I knew would have felt that way. With years the obvious happens, when their mind dwindles and flesh frays and youth is slowly but surely stripped from them. At 24, I look at one who is 85 and wonder has she found the wholeness in life? I had always been a puzzle short of completion, I have found a momentaral answer to the missing piece of the puzzle but life will never work that way. Like cutting out a piece of cardboard to replace the missing puzzle, to try as I might to make the picture look whole. I sit and ponder, in these transitions of my life, pondering what or...

Through my father I learnt to accept disgrace willingly, and to accept humility, giving in, in the most humble of manner. Through my mentors I learnt to accept judgement and criticism, to learn respect and above all to be responsible for all that is imparted on to me. Through my lovers, I learn to cherish memories and the importance of sacrifice. With time I learn to breathe with every second I have on this land of salt and sand and drink in the beauty of all that is around me. To love myself and accept the world as one.

Sitting, thinking, dreaming, singing, watching the world pass me by. With a cup of hot cocoa and my leather bound journal laid in front of me I sit wait and listen. Listen to the million voices that drift pass and thousands of conversations that echo and bounce off the walls. Everyone wants to be heard, battling for attention, to be known. It’s an obsession. Everyone wants to get that feeling off their chest until they get sick and tired and it’s time to rest.

Life is heaped with excitement and strange new conquest at each and every turn, I try to embrace everything that crosses my path in this indefinite journey, but sometimes things can be too much to bear. Just bundle it up and solider on I gather, I wonder how much I could carry sometimes. At some points I falter, despite bearing the teachings of moral culture. The pain I bear, the cause of a typically womanly disposition. Rational decisions, I tell myself keep my mind in tune with what is happening around me and make not choices that I may feel hesitant in though when looking back in the future. It’s frightening these things; I pride myself in being able to keeping my life in this rather systematic nature, and achieving a wholesome balance. My balance have been up heaved of late, making more emotional then rational decisions and thinking very much with my heart which goes against my belief in the control of self. It’s always easy to make choices that come to you in a blink of an eye but...

Weariness sets in like a gloomy damp blanket on a cold chilly night. Just tired, so tired but I will not shut my eyes, it is too early to turn in anyhow. Things seem to evolve in a blink of an eye; life can mimic the snippets of a music video or the stills in a camera. A blink and you are in a completely new dimension, another blink and it dissolves to nothingness. If only time would standstill, life would be almost perfect, to be able to savour that second a million times over, that euphoria. A moment of pure brilliance. There are a few moments in life that I had wished time would just freeze in that space; and I could drink in the very essence, every ounce of that sweet nectar of beauty, to savour and to hold and breath and bask in that moment. Time and time again, we would have these glorious moments that pass me by and wrap around me like gold linen blanket, so precious in my arms, but as with time it will pass me by. I could all but note these events in my eventful black leather b...

Step back and take a deep breath and breathe. We all need the space sometimes, somehow, somewhere and perhaps for some even in some places. With life like a non stop rat race, it's a constant marathon to the finish line packed with material work, human relationships and the occasional personal baggage of sorts. Some races could be as smooth as sailing on a snow board down the flawless white mountains with the wind in your face; and your heart racing with adrenaline and anticipation of the next challenge to come. For others it's filled with the pain of failure and much misery and despair. A journey plague with self-doubt and pity. I watched as friends journeyed across these torrid landscapes with a heavy heart and a constant tears in their eyes. For they could not see what I could see from outside their very space and time. Taking life a page at a time, drinking the essence of the moment. We all do that from time to time and live for a moment and lavish in that very capsule of t...